moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
