Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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