My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just had sex on a roof
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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