I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
