He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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