Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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