this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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