just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
