my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
