woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
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You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
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Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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