My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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