My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
