franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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