at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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