Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
