We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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