I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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