Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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