I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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