He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
