If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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