You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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