My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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