I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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