I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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