I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
