I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
