if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
