Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
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My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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