i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
