She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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