Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Randomize
