Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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