if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
