update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
