Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
