If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
