I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
