you suck at this game today
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously