Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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