It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
