Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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