you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
