Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
