When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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