Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
