a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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