Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
