Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
