Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sarcasm needs its own font
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
