Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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