I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
