you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
