you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
