I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I supernannyed him into submission
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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