she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
