Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
