At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
