Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
