some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
