My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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